Watchin' and Waitin'
by LyrialZander
Summary: A short DC ficlet from Doyle's POV in heaven, spoilers from Hero to You're Welcome, written in one shot.


TITLE: Watchin' and Waitin'

AUTHOR: Lyrial Zander

RATING: PG (a little bad language) A Cordy and Doyle fic-let, from Doyle's POV. Mild Spoilers ("Hero" to Present) Dedicated to Glenn Quinn, we miss you…

NOTE: Written as if Doyle were speaking, so it's not bad grammar, it's Irish dialect!

FEEDBACK: Good, Bad, Ugly, all welcome!

DISCLAIMER: Joss is God blah blah…I own nothing blah blah…

I waited for 'er and it seemed like it was a long time. There really is no time 'ere, but when you love someone who isn't with ya', seconds are eternity. Even in tha' great beyond. Yea' sure, lotsa folks say that heaven is a myth, a creation to keep children in line an' sinners a prayin'…

But they also say tha' vampires an' demons aren't real either, an' I know that ain' true from personal experience, with me being 'alf demon an' all.

Like I was sayin', I waited for 'er 'ere, and with tha' waitin' an' tha' watchin' it was less like heaven an more like torture. I 'ad to sit up 'ere and watch 'er. (Not that I'd stopped watchin' if I'd 'ad a choice. ) But some of tha' pain she went through was my fault. So it was my own punishment and I 'ad to take it. Otherwise it was goodbye heaven an' hello searing hot pokers an' eternal fire an' brimstone. 

Th' first bit o' pain was tha' worst, she was sufferin' because of me. I'd a never thought she'd shed a tear for "little Irish man" as she called me. The first couple o' days she cried more than anyone I'd ever seen in life or afterward. Oh she hid it from Angel, but when she was sure she was alone, my princess wept til 'er pretty brown eyes were red rimmed and looking' like mine after a Friday night bender. 

She snuck into my apartment the first night, after she an' Angel mourned a bit together with tha' damn video. She curled up on my bed, messy as it was, an sobbed, berating me in her mind though she didn'a know I could hear. 

"Doyle, you asshole!" she screamed silently, nothing unexpected there.

"Why didn't we just run? Why couldn't we have been cowards for once?" 

I had no answer for 'er, an couldna given 'er one anyway. 

"You should have told me how you felt! You should have been honest! We could have…I just…I could have loved you." 

That damaged me. 

"It wasn't impossible."

I couldn't make out any o' the other thoughts in her head after that, they were jus' jumbles of "Miss you…hate you…asshole…why?" and so on. The Powers That Be were testin' me there, I tell ya'. It'd been worth the fiery pits 'o hell to be able to ignore tha' bit. Knowin' that she an' I could maybe have been something' more if I'd lived. It fueled all the hatred I'd ever 'ad for myself, an' made it duplicate tenfold.

After the visions started, she nearly blocked me out completely. I think she started off angry an' hatin' me, then the brain shatterin' pain got in the way. (Funny thing about brain shatterin' pain, it makes it hard for you to concentrate...) I didna' mean to hurt 'er with the visions, I didn' even mean to give 'em to 'er. When I looked at Delia at that last moment, I wished I could leave 'er with somethin' that would make me worthy in 'er eyes. Somethin' she'd remember me by. Tha's the dumbest thing I ever thought, an I immediately knew the Powers were gonna screw me over. The visions were all that I had, and I knew it. But I never claimed to be a smart man.

After that it was just watchin' an' waitin', like being emotionally involved in a TV show and hoping to eventually meet one o' tha' stars. It was a lot like that, especially in my version o' heaven. Okay, I knew I 'ad a drinkin' problem, comes with tha' genealogy I guess, bein' Irish an such. But it was a bit worse 'n I thought I suppose, considering heaven is a smoky bar with free drinks an a big screen television. At least I wasn't the only one, this is heaven for a lot o' people. The television shows us what we want to see, be it the life o' the ones we left behind or never ending _"Gilligan's Island" _reruns. The television is different for everyone here, and apparently Ginger and Mary Anne are very popular. There are no hangovers, it is heaven after all.

I didn' have to stay in tha' bar, but did. If it's possible to be depressed in heaven, then I'm one o' the few tha's experienced it. I didn' care enough to leave until she got 'ere, until I could hold 'er and let 'er decide what heaven's like for both of us. She's th' only channel I ever watched. Now I'm not sayin' that I wished 'er dead jus' so I could see 'er again, lord no! I just was willin' to wait for 'er, to put of any enjoyment I coulda had, honestly I didn't think I deserved to be 'ere.

The torture thereafter was self-inflicted. I forced myself to watch the rest no matter how painful it was. I was wracked with guilt every time she 'ad a vision, the pain was more than twice as bad as it 'ad been for me, my demon side had been a benefit for once. She popped pills tryin' to get a clear head, a clouded philosophy but her only option at the time. I wanted to take 'er pain, and sometimes I think I lessened it for 'er. She would be havin' a particularly bad vision and I'd prayed for the Lord to give me 'er pain, and I'd feel her thoughts become clearer and she'd get a flash o' me in the vision. She'd usually curse me in her head an' blame me for her sufferin'. It was worth it every time. When you pray in heaven, it's like ya don' have to pay long distance charges.

So I pushed through tha' sting of losing 'er to get the little bones thrown my way when she remembered me. In Pylea when she met tha' Groo fella, (never like tha' one) she thought of me when he called 'er "princess". As she slowly fell for Angel, I watched 'er and I begged for 'er not to get 'er heart broken, I suffered with 'er. She nearly died because of the visions, but she realized that I love 'er, and it made her choose to be 'alf demon. When she 'ad 'er body taken o'er by that demon and she was trapped inside 'erself while she seduced tha' boy... She couldna' stopped 'erself from any of it and tha' killed me all o'er again. 

She was in a coma, and I helped as the higher powers began to build her heaven. Pullin' Delia's ideas of paradise out of her memories and puttin' them together. A horse farm, her grandmother's wind chimes, an' lots o' shoes… She'd blink in an' out of the solid world and while she was dying, I feelin' hopeful, and I was feelin' guilty. But I knew that everythin' was gonna be alright when she made her last visit to see Angel. I knew she had also been waitin'.

She had to make one last trip into the real world, not only to help her friends, but to say goodbye. As she watched the video we'd made on my last day on Earth, for the first time since she was mourning me, I could see 'er thoughts perfectly clear. She said 'er goodbyes to Angel an' when she held him for tha' last time, she thought of me, and she found it fitting that 'er life ended as mine 'ad ended. 

With one last kiss.


End file.
